Today I sit on my front patio, laptop in hand, sun warming my body, breeze blowing my hair. It feels like magic. I can hear birds singing beautiful spring songs. A bumble bee just buzzed past. This is a type of heaven.

Over the last 31 years my life has been sculpted into this one moment. After all, we only ever have the now. I keep thinking back to what it felt like when I was a little girl, listening to birds, feeling the sun, enjoying the breeze. Somewhere in the mass of days, weeks, months and years I got something twisted.

I stopped doing beautiful things for the sake of self. I used to dress up just because I liked it. I colored because I thought it was fun. I begged to cook in the kitchen just for the joy of mixing. But as I grew, I dressed for others, I colored for praise, I cooked to make my body change. I stopped allowing myself simple beauty.

In college, I learned how to perfectly craft brands, market products, launch websites, track data and review analytics. I learned how to use beauty to make others buy. But not real beauty. A pretend, knock-off version of true beauty.

Once my son was born my whole existence was altered. I wept one night after we were told he was blind, because I just wanted him to see beautiful art, beautiful sunsets, beautiful things. Somehow over the years his visual impairment became the least of my worries. I simply just wanted him to stay alive.

After his second life flight and an ICU stay on a ventilator I knew I needed help. I started therapy. It changed my life. Not in one session, not in one 9-week course, and honestly not in a year. But slowly, methodically it changed me.

After my son’s brain surgery, which removed a large portion of the left side of his brain, my anxiety over him constantly dying has eased. And with that ease I’m choosing to lean into the easy. I’m picking the easier path.

I’m laying down the idea of perfect, the idea of marketed, branded, crafted with an end goal in mind. I’m going to start creating and sharing beauty for the sake of self.

I know without a doubt that God has put me on this earth for 2 things. To love, care for, and nurture my 2 incredible children, and to create beauty.

Now is my time, without a marketing plan, without an idea of exactly where this is heading, without a perfectly honed “target market”, to share my projects, my desires, my creations and my dreams with the world.

I am nervous. Simply for the sake of being nervous. It’s not that I’m heading into this with expectations, but the idea of taking a new path from what I’ve always done feels scary. Somehow the unplanned seems like the oddest idea of all. But here I sit, ready to share with you, simply for the sake of enjoying something for myself.

I can’t wait to see what I create and where this goes.

xoxo Monee